To know and understand the natural horse, we better know, understand and accept ourselves --as well as others!
South Central Pennsylvannia
near Chambersburg, Pa.
TEXT to receive info packet.
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This writing was borrowed by a school nurse who needed something about incest for the auditorium full --she had to speak in front of. During her reading of this work, she decided to read it as it were from the victim. She didn't hear a cough or pin drop, wondered if there were anyone left in the audience, since the lights were out, and a spotlight only on her --the speaker.
INCEST! --the 'Chilling Mystery'
The cry in the night!
The bad dreams that wake you, shivering in fear! The memories that haunt you ---years after. Being alone ---is the curse you never asked for.
The constant doubt, that there is/was someone lurking behind every door ---every corner.
Each step is a cautious attempt to the unknown.
At the sign of any movement, you jump, as if lightening has struck at your feet.
The next moment --only proves to be a tree brushing against the window, moving softly in the gentle
breezes. You want someone near ---but the
thought panics inside of you.
There is no one you can trust! If it could only end! Why must I live like this?
Where is my mother when I need her most? "I hate you mama!"
I shudder at the size of my own small world. There are no corners to hide in.
Everywhere I turn, I find nothing! The little voice inside me cries constantly ---'I need you ---but don't touch me. I can't take that." I feel like a cat with nine feet ---filled with claws ---that turn and scratch and dig at my flesh ---being torn to bloody shreds! What good is it? There are no answers!
I should have told mama, when I was only seven ---a very shy child. Why wasn't I scared? I was just so nervous and confused. I was told, "Don't tell mama, she'd be mad". Then ---why? Moments seemed like hours. ---'WHY'?
I feel like I have to hide ---but what have I done? I don't understand! I can't tell. Mama would get mad!
Someone told her ---I know it. I can see it on her face, and she IS mad! 'Mama, don't be mad at me. I won't do it anymore. I promise'. Mama doesn't seem happy anymore. She's on edge all of the time. 'I need you mama! Why can't I talk to you?'
I hear the door crack open, long after I should have been asleep ---and I know who it is.
I feel so COLD! Why? The unwanted touch, that sends shivers all over. That warm breath! I try to lay still, but my body won't let me. I can only squirm! I'm all tight, and I'm afraid to talk. WHY?
Years pass ---and the terror grew. I'm scared at everything. I might get caught.
I can't stop what is happening ---'mama, do you hate me? I know you hate me mama!'
I am now 13, and I am not supposed to have boy friends. Mama seems too think it is okay. So why ---can't I have friends? I always feel like I am doing something wrong, and everything is my fault. I try so hard to make everybody happy, but it doesn't seem to work. I am a failure! I can't do anything right.
It is hard to talk to anyone, and I can't talk for very long ---only for about a minute.
I DREAM of happy things, and I can't help but talk about those things, ---when I'm with the other girls at school. They think I am happy. I am ---when I talk like that. I can almost believe it is real!
I go home, and I try to hide. Again, I face unhappiness, frustration and confusion.
I will find someone to tell. I know ---that someday I will tell everything. I'm so scared all the time. Mama seems to always turn away from me. Doesn't she know I'm unhappy? Doesn't she care? Would she believe me if I told her? Would she forgive me? I'm so scared! She won't love me if she knows.
Why won't someone simply love me? Why do I have to do what I have to do? That is all I've ever wanted ---just to be loved for who I am. It's so awful! I can't tell anyone! Where do I go? WHO do I turn to? I am only 13. Won't somebody, just love me? 'I'm so sorry mama! I love you. Please --love me!'
Open your eyes to 'need'..
Do not leave ANY door to understanding -CLOSED
After completing the reading, she wondered what to do next. The audience was still frozen! She slowly started to walk off the stage after the lights came back up, and the only voice that broke the silence, was from a man, whose voice could be heard through the entire silent room. "They ought to hang a man like that"...
The audience dispersed, without a word..
My Prayer from 1980-82: "Help me tell people what they need to hear!"